KATELYN SHOUP
Hello there beautiful one! My name is Katelyn Shoup and I am 18 years old. I just graduated from Garaway High School and live in Sugarcreek, Ohio. Some might look at my life, or what they know of my life, and say I had it easy and I would have to say that I did have it pretty easy. I didn't struggle that much academically, and had a good home with loving parents. What people didn't see, was the struggle that I faced everyday.
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When I was in elementary school, I struggled to make friends. I had one friend who had grown up with me, but other than her I had no other friends. I can distinctly remember in early elementary school, we were told that there was going to be a talent show and everyone became excited. We all wanted to be in the show and so everyone started pairing up and practicing for their act. One day, there were two girls on the swings who were singing, and I thought to myself, "If I could go over to them and sing with them, maybe I would be able to be their friend and get in the talent show." So, I ran over to the swings and started singing with them. They were okay with me swinging with them, but once I started to sing, they looked at me, then at each other, then jumped off the wings and ran away from me. For any young child, that is a traumatic experience, and it broke my heart.
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Fast forward to sixth grade, and again I find myself with only one friend. Like everyday we were getting ready to go to recess, and then were told that recess would be inside. When recess was inside, we got to play on the computers, which everyone loved. That day, I was sitting at my desk when I thought to myself, "If I go over and can play with those kids, I can be cool!" For this reason, I found myself asking if I could play on one of the computers. The kids told me no, and this again broke my heart. After being told no, I walked back to my desk and pulled out my agenda. I then flipped to one of the very last pages and in the smallest writing I could do, I wrote these four words, "I want to die." My friend could tell that something was wrong, so she came over and saw what I had written. I told her that she was not allowed to tell anyone.
On my way out of school that day, I saw my mom pull up. I asked her if she was picking me up and she told me no, that I was still to go home with my neighbors like usual. I remember asking her what she was doing and she said that she was having a meeting with one of the teachers. I immediately knew that this meeting was for me and my teacher was going to tell my mom what I had written in my agenda that day. Once my mom got home from her meeting, she pulled me in my room and asked me why I wrote what I had. To avoid any punishments, I told her that it was just a joke and that I didn't mean it. However, deep down inside I knew it was true.
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As the weeks went by after this situation, things continued to get harder and harder. I was becoming easily angered and frustrated. My mom could tall that something was wrong, and so she scheduled me for a counseling session. Once the day rolled around for my session, I became anxious and did not want to go at all. I ended up going and can remember laying my head in my mom's lap and just bawling. Once I was able to catch my breath and tell my therapist what was going on, I felt a little relief. She in turn gave me tips on how to make friends and said that I should come back if those didn't work. I was able to try out those tip sin the following days, but didn't have any luck making friends.
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Fast forward through middle school and to freshman year, and I have a few friends, but not as many as I wanted. As you might recall me saying earlier, I grew up in a Christian home and had a relationship with God. However, once high school rolled around, I lost that relationship with God and became very angry with him. You see, freshman year was the hardest year of my life.
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My one friend and I were like a roller coaster. We had our good times that didn't last very long and then we were back to fighting, This continued for a long time and I began to go on a path that would take years to straighten. I let the devil get into my head and tell me lies. Lies that I wasn't worthy of anything, that I was ugly, had no worth and was straight up pointless. These lies went on for a long time and I became suicidal. Everyday was a struggle to stay alive and so I didn't see the point in even living anymore. I didn't have many friends and so I thought that they wouldn't miss me, my parents had my brother and sister to love and it wasn't like I was doing anyone any good by being here on earth. So, every night I would hold my breath hoping that I would die and just be done struggling. It never worked and I became very angry. I didn't understand why God was not letting me just die and so at one point, I thought of packing a suitcase and running from my problems, but the thought just remained a thought.
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As the days went on, the thought of dying was all that I could think about. Until God came back into the picture. It was 2014 and my youth group was going to our church convention in Kansas City. I thought to myself that I would go to look like everything was okay, and that I would just fake my relationship with God making so people would think that everything was okay. But let me tell you something, God doesn't just follow our plans He expects us to follow His! God met me at that convention and I was able to tell two fellow youth group members and my mom that I was having suicidal thoughts. After telling them, I was on a spiritual high but that high quickly went away once we got home.
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I longed for a relationship with God. One where I was so on fire for Him that a stranger would want to know why I was so happy and had such a radiant spirit. Through time spent with God, attending church and really listening to the messages, and mainly worship music, I was able to start forming that relationship that I had so desperately longed for. To this day, I am still learning how to have a strong and open relationship with Christ, but it has been an amazing experience.
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Ladies, there is nothing that can keep you from God. No sin or experience is to big for God. He knows our every move. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God knows how our life is going to pan out. He knows when we are going to have hard times but ultimately He knows that these things are going to help us. They are going to make our futures brighter and will ultimately help us to have a deeper relationship with him. I encourage each of you to be open with God. This sounds silly when I just said that God knows our every move. However, when WE open up and talk to God, we are able to connect with Him on a deeper level and experience His love and presence more than ever before.
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I know how hard it is to talk to people and I know that I want to be thee for as many people as I can. If you ever need anyone to listen or pray for you, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram @katelynshoup_18 or Snapchat @katelynshoup
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God has great plans for each and every one of you! Stay strong!
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